Friday, February 24, 2012

it happens to all of us. i think.

i only post this to show how very infuriated and frustrated a homeschool mom can sometimes get.  i am not proud of how i behaved.

at 11:50 i asked chana to do chumash.  she asked for 10 minutes.  somehow, i'm not sure how, it was 12:55 and it seemed to me that for the past 45 min at least, i had been asking her to do chumash and she had always had some reason why not.  i was getting shorter and shorter tempered.  she was playing some game, she asked if she could finish, i said ok.  then 10 minutes later i asked to do chumash, she said she's still playing.  finally i said i don't care if you are still playing, when you asked if you could finish, how many minutes are we talking?  i thought it would be about 2 min and it's a lot more.  she said she didn't know and i got annoyed.  then she had to shut down her computer, which took a long time because, in her words, it's a dinosaur (as if there were computers in the dinosaur era). then something else.  then something else. THEN she asked if she could wash her hands and i said, and i cannot believe i said this, "i'm going to kill you in a minute."

now, this is not part of my parenting repertoire.  except when it is, apparently.  i cannot recall telling any of my children that i was going to kill them. 

chana, unsurprisingly, burst into tears. 

my temper has been rather fraying this last week.  elazar's in a tough, super energetic phase, after being fairly amenable for 6 months or more.  i have to readjust.  jack is teething and spends a lot of the day screaming at me.  aharon is ok, but is still under a year and baby care is fairly intensive.  recently, aharon's dinner and elazar's put-me-to-bed-right-now-or-i'll-start-destroying-the-house-and-hitting-and-breaking-things is basically at the exact same time, and i haven't had help during bedtime.  well, chana is around and she is great at childcare but not at feeding or discipline.  so 2 extremely immediate needs where putting one aside means intense screaming or things breaking has left me feeling frazzled every night and i've been rather alarmed at how much show of temper i've been both expressing AND feeling.  i haven't been this hair-trigger in a while. 
but it hasn't really spilled over into the day before this. 

last night i really wanted to read an 18 pg story and hear a small lecture on it.  i really wanted to cook for 14 ppl for shabbos.  i really wanted to go for a walk.  i really wanted to visit oma yesterday. 
i skipped navi, which i've been wanting to do but keep putting lower priority.  i wanted to do chumash, which i didn't do during the day because we went to visit oma, and i wanted to do some fractions.  we skipped reading and writing.
something's gotta give.  i do a very very minimal curriculum and sometimes it doesn't fit into our lifestyle. 

anyway, chana and i have been discussing psychological ambivalence for a while, and how she can love me and hate me at the same time.  we've been discussing that she mostly loves me, but a very small part of her sometimes wants me dead. 

one of my favorite examples of this was when she was crying about how much work i was making her do and she said: "i'm crying because i want you to feel bad for me." pause. "and also, i want to poke your eye." pause. "i wonder why your eye..?"

anyway, in an effort to reconnect, i opened up a word document and wrote the following.  (which also led me to ponder that she wouldn't be able to read in hebrew w/o nekudot if i wrote it, which led me to think i've been lax about that)




Chana I don’t know what to do


It is one hour after we said we would start

Now aharon is awake

What should I do when I want to do work ONE HOUR ago
and she wrote:
I HATE U I HATE U U WANTED TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!N
and i wrote:
I don’t really want to kill you.  It was a very small feeling.

and then i wrote:
I just feel like this happens a lot.  We don’t have a good solution.  I am ready to do chumash.  You aren’t.  it takes us over an hour to do it.  And then things are too busy.  I am so frustrated.  Please help me think of solutions so that I don’t feel so angry.

 and she wrote:
I cant I feel to hurt
 and i wrote:
I’m sorry that I was so angry that I said that.  I’m sorry I hurt you.  I love you and I would be very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very sad if you were dead.
I learned when I said that to you that I am very frustrated and I would like to find solutions so I don’t get that angry anymore.  Pls help me.
 
and then i wrote:
Possible Solution 1:
You get to say a time (like 12:00) but then if it passes and we haven’t done chumash yet (like it’s 12:07) and I want to do it, you stop what you are doing IMMEDIATELY even in the middle of a game or upload or eating and we do chumash.
 and she didn't like it.  she started to write a solution but didn't like it and deleted it. so i wrote:
Possible solution 2:
You get to say a time (like 12:00) but then if it passes and we haven’t done chumash yet (like it’s 12:07) and I want to do it, you stop what you are doing in 2 or 5 minutes even if you aren’t finished and we do chumash.
 and then i wrote:
And if 2 or 5 minutes pass (and now it’s 12:20) you stop what you are doing IMMEDIATELY even in the middle of a game or upload or eating and we do chumash.
and then we cuddled.  and we did chumash.
Conclusion:
I say I want to do chumash.  Chana chooses a time.  (if we do chumash, then fine.)
But if the time comes.  And goes.  Then I say 2 or 5 minutes. (then if we do chumash, then fine.)
 But if we still haven't done it, then next time I say "let's do chumash" we do it IMMEDIATELY even if in the middle of something.  sign here: Chana mommy

and then chana added a sad smiley face and we agreed to add the words "under duress:"

But if we still haven’t done it, then next time I say “let’s do chumash” we do it IMMEDIATELY even if in the middle of something. Sign here (under duress): Chana :( mommy

hopefully this will help.  we shall see.

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